When you are at a loss of things to write about, you start to analyze all aspects of your life; looking for something that will prove things are splendid, that you have it completely together, and that you scream successful in more than one language. Unfortunately, I only speak English. As I started to dig deep I found that things right now are routine. I stumble out of bed each day exactly as I did the morning before… trying to press snooze on my alarm before it goes into round two of “latin dance fever” for all my roommates to hear. I put the exact same color eye shadow on the exact same crease of my eyelid and then I drive the exact same way to school and stop at the exact same stoplights…I even recognize those who walk to school at the same time I drive, one day I should possibly ask them if they want a ride. I go to the exact same classes each day, and now I even have a work schedule that is set in stone which makes me feel as though I will need a power tool in order to change it up. I feel like my life is set on repeat and I can’t seem to figure out where the shuffle button is located. I recently got a new job, so I guess I should scratch, or power drill that one off my list of norms, but it is one of those jobs that makes you think, a lot. Not because I am being pushed to my absolute limit or because I don’t really know how to do my job, but because I am staring at three feet and six inches of water with half dressed people standing in it. I have found that in a twenty minute rotation I can think about every little detail of my life, or about absolutely nothing. Today as I sat, as I did the day before, and how I will do tomorrow, I either slowly, or maybe it was quickly came to realize two things. A. Kids should not walk up the slide, and B. My life needs some zing in it. As these two thoughts crossed my mind I whistled at the kids and did some awkward hand motion that somehow got across that climbing up the slide would result in a visit to the hospital and then I contemplated what a life full of zing would be. This is what I came up with... I thought of all the destinations I hope to arrive at and the landmarks I hope to see. I day dreamed about new foods and little shops with over priced trinkets… and then breathtaking moments, and funny characters that I would find along the way. I thought of the lists I’ve compiled of all I want to do and see and all I hope to achieve in this life. I thought of living a life full of the unexpected; not knowing where I will end up the next day, and questioning where I will lay my head down as the sun closes its eyes. The thought of driving crossed my mind, driving until I have no clue where I am or where I will go from that point. I thought of completely being free.
This is not a common thing for me to think about: I am the queen of rules and a lover of structure, but for that split moment I had this absolute desire to forget everything I’ve ever based my life around- almost as though my foundation was crumbling. My wanting for that quickly came to a halt as real life smacked me back into place and I had to remind those exact kids to not climb up the slide for the seventh time. For the next day or two the idea found a way of creeping into my mind. Am I unhappy with how my life is going? Is the constant unchanging cycle wearing on me?
With a few days of soul searching and deep analyzing I came up with the answer; obviously, no. Life as it is…is an absolute treat. As I look around we are all in the same boat; we wake up each day and do basically the same thing that we did the day before but that doesn’t mean that it’s not an adventure. It’s just a matter of perception. I may not be absolutely spontaneous but instead I am progressing every day. There is beauty in certainty and growth in routine. I can count on one hand (which possibly had a battle with a lawn mower, and is now missing a finger or two) how many people I know who I would call “free” and I question their true happiness. I shouldn’t be so quick to judge but when I think about this idea of freedom I also think of how unrealistic it is. It’s possibly so unrealistic because when I think of what makes me happy, it’s not the thought of floating around with no direction…It’s the sturdy things in life that keep me going, like the fact that I love the responsibility of making my car payment every twenty-fifth day of the month…I love knowing the exact location of the provisions I need at the grocery store…I love the constant support I feel when I make a phone call home every day…I love that I can always count on the continual pile up of laundry…I love that I am sticking with school so I will have the choice to do whatever I want with my future…I love that I have a way of making money so I can learn to be independent…and I love that I don’t have to search to know exactly who I am or what I believe in. I love those things because they are at a constant; I can count on them to always be there. I may not be dipping my toes in an ocean I’ve never seen but that doesn’t mean that what I am doing right this very moment is insignificant or unexciting in any way. Instead, I am blooming where I’ve been planted, and that is what life is all about. With that said, TRUE freedom is the comfort of knowing who you are, what you are doing, and where you hope to be.